“He was just this kid in my head for such a long time — I think I just missed him.”
Nora, Past Lives (2023)
They always tell us to not grow up too fast. They could be anyone: parents, teachers, siblings, cousins, friends, the list goes on. Even one of the great Asian musical artists of our times known as Grentperez has a whole song telling us all: “Don’t grow up too fast.” I guess I didn’t listen. Or maybe I did? Maybe I never had a chance to listen … or maybe, like almost everything in life, the velocity at which we choose or are chosen to grow up at is a multidimensional spectrum. Regardless, I suggest you all heed that advice as much as you can. (I say this as I’m unknowingly rushing forward and past my family typing away at my phone in Clark International Airport in the Philippines. Slow down, bud!)
Exactly a year ago, to the week, I was writing a piece for Dear Asian Youth’s core Instagram account alongside a colleague (shoutout to Catherine Mao, hope college apps go well for you this semester, wherever you are!) about Celine Song’s Past Lives. The movie was fresh in theaters and hadn’t yet been nominated for a handful of prestigious awards throughout the industry. But you don’t get nominated for the Academy’s “Best Picture” for nothing, and my colleague and I knew that. So we wrote. And we wrote a lot. And we had to cut out a lot. And the post never actually came out for you all to see, but I tell you, it is probably one of my favorite posts I’ve written for DAY to date. I wrote this in a message to Catherine while putting our post together (which ended up on the design of the post):
“The thought of leaving past lives behind in other places for people there to remember with me, both in the lives I’ve left behind locally (like elementary school me, middle school me) where I grew up in California and those lives I left behind as a child in the Philippines.”
Oh boy, did Vien have not a single clue about what would be in store for him a year later. Join me as I rediscover my own past lives (and rediscover the movie I wish was on my plane’s film catalog).
•••
“We had these beautiful city wides that moved in one direction over the image of these cities: Seoul during the day — in the morning — and New York City at night, which just sort of spells doom for them because it really is about showing that the time zones are completely opposite. They’re on the opposite sides of the world. But over that image, you know, they’re really talking about each other.”
Celine Song, director of Past Lives, breaking down the Skype scene
Let’s establish some big things right now.
First, I am a first-generation American. I spent a considerable amount of time between the U.S. and the Philippines from the ages of three to nine and, prior to this year’s trip, the last time I “went home” to the Philippines was when I was twelve years old and that was pre-pandywandy. I am seventeen-going-on-eighteen so, Sound of Music aside, it’s been five years since I’ve been home and five years was more than two sub-lifetimes for me.
Second, I already touched on it in the last point but I’ve changed a lot over the years, and I’ve left a lot of lives behind in the minds of so many that I’ve met. I discovered that so many people who hadn’t been able to keep up with my life over the years still had ideas about me that I’d long outgrown. It was touching and it was also heartbreaking in a way. Seeing and introducing the present me to these people (friends, relatives) was like pressing the “Overwrite Save” button.
Third, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the mainland United States and the Philippines are geographically distant from one another. They inhabit opposite ends of the Pacific Ocean and are thousands of miles apart. However, history and the internet have brought the two very distant nations closer together due to the endless intertwining of the two countries through their peoples and their cultures. So this quote by Celine Song really struck me. Especially when something major happened during my vacation.
Prior to and during my vacation, I used Instagram to communicate with the majority of the people in my life — especially those who were geographically far away from me. A week and a half into the trip, Instagram’s bot-identification system flagged my main account, connecting me to over a thousand people, and banned it. It all just felt like — woah. I couldn’t communicate with so many people I had met on the trip and it felt like my life froze. It felt like the scene froze. It reminded me of how Nora and Hae Sung’s Skype call froze and they lost contact with one another. It reminded me of Skype calls I had with my own family on opposite ends of the Pacific that froze and kept us from communicating.
•••
“와~ (Woah~/Wow~)”
Nora and Hae Sung (over and over), Past Lives
Whenever I come back to see my cousins, there’s always the “ten minutes of awkwardness” that occupy anywhere between five minutes to two hours of our first meeting.. It’s like we always revel at how the other has grown and changed since we last saw them. It doesn’t matter if we’ve seen each other on video calls or on Instagram or Facebook, we’re always going to be new in some way and familiar in some others upon every initial meeting.
When Hae Sung and Nora first meet in person after twenty-plus years, I now see myself meeting my family. Looking at one another and registering who it really is before us. We’re in awe, but we’re also slightly in fear.
•••
“The guy flew thirteen hours to be here. I’m not going to tell you not to see him or something.”
Arthur, Past Lives
The last thing I want to touch on in this piece is a bit of my family life and Nora’s present life in the film.
Nora is married to Arthur, an American man who describes himself as the villain in her and Hae Sung’s love story. He’s extremely self-aware and humble. He knows that Nora’s life rests in her hands and hers only.
My life has always had this large division in it separating my life into one around my mother’s side of the family and one around my father’s side. This trip, as I’ve gotten older than ever, was the first time that my third party, my parallel to Arthur, emerged and allowed me to finally bring these two separate lives together into one.
For the first time in my life, I was able to live an authentic version of myself and be honest about it to everyone who asked. And it was that freedom — that understanding third party — that allowed me to think about my life and experiences in this way. I guess all that I can say is… I really want to watch Past Lives again. I want to discover more of myself in films like these.
I’ll see you soon.
Editors: Blenda Y., Quill L., Alisha B.
Image: Unsplash